When travelling from one place to another, or simply waiting around alone where I am meeting friends, I tend to unconsciously lapse into people-watching. Free and highly entertaining.
Awkward teenage couples holding hands (in their secondary school uniform, no less), the look in a mother's eyes as her toddler son runs on ahead of her - mixed with love, gentleness and sometimes, a tinge of worry...
Even when in a group, people-watching comes right in; where we study people together - for instance, conversations such as "Take a guess, are they a couple or siblings?" - or even, "Sugar Daddy or real daddy?" All in the name of good fun.
Yet, haven't you ever experienced those moments, where your guess of a certain relationship between two people comes out horribly off the mark? Embarassing, and even more so if you'd made your thoughts known to the friends around you. Personally, I find non-verbal communication highly subjective.
Everyone's character and upbringing is different. For example, what may be personal space to one may be casual distance to another. Some greet each other with a hug, some with just a slight nod and smile. To each his own, yes?
Then there are some individuals people label with the words- " NO EQ". The one who rubs everyone the wrong way without even knowing it. Perhaps because of how he/she was brought up, or not enough interaction with people in general, or perhaps, simply too dense to sense anything wrong with the whole atmosphere between people - and most often, caused by the inability to correctly interpret the non-verbal language of those around them. Most of them take everything literally, and can't see into the actions and behavior of others. The non-verbal is nonexistent.
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like in that person's shoes. By no means am I a saint, for I get irritated with some just as much as the next person, nor am I saying we "should treat them better, they can't help it" - because I would probably find that difficult myself. Furthermore, with such individuals, the people around find them annoying to varying degrees. Is that a cause of personal idiosyncrasies (eg. "I can't stand people who jump into the conversation without knowing what it's all about.") or a perspective developed over experience of what defines socially acceptable behavior in interaction between people?
At times though, I do question myself. Would I be as dense to the social "air" if I'd been the one to cause the tension? Or, why I might find someone more tiresome to be around than others.
What are your thoughts and perhaps, experiences with such individuals? Or do you find the red and green lights of non-verbal communication sometimes all fall under the category of amber as well? Do tell. :)
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Really? People watching? Or were you totally checking out the cute guys?
ReplyDeleteAs for the not-so-socially-calibrated people, a little sarcasm directed towards them wont hurt. Or you could tell them they've got something on their face ;)
And "people-watching".. Dont worry, i do that as well, but purely for learning purposes.
'No EQ' people as you've mentioned are dense. A thousand time you can talk to them about how they should react to ohers, but they simply don't get it.
ReplyDeleteReminds me of a colleague I had who had the worst work attitude. She was slow at work and loved to complain into any available ear she could find, about her she hates her job and how the world is unfair to her.
Oh please. At first you can be gracious to them but after awhile, even the most patient of us all would burn out listening to her.
People-watching is fun. Just don't do it at Geylang.
-Warning- This comment is not worth reading simply because I wrote it!
ReplyDeleteI think to an extent everyone people watches. It is most enjoyable on trains, you can see people trying to distance themselves from the kids blaring their music or the business people huddling together for a sense of unity.
I think some people are socially inept because they just don't know what to say and don't want to offend.
You see many people don't know how to start a conversation with me or approach me because I have a Mohawk and quite a long goatee, so maybe its all an approach thing?
As for personal space, everyone has their limit. I find that with people as long as I can talk to them and enjoy a conversation with them they can get as close as they like, but if I don't know someone I like to have a very large amount of distance..
Ok so my reply is long winded and useless.. you probably shouldn't even bother to read it.. but thats my two (or twenty) cents.
Non-verbal communication or body language definitely does differ from culture to culture.
ReplyDeleteAs such, at times, ppl from other countries irritate me as I consider them to be socially inept.
But, yet, the same could be said of me if I lived in theirs. :P
Anyway, Kai, I think the second half of your topic isn't really about non-verbal communication.
ReplyDeleteHaha I fail at people-watching...they tend to edge away.
ReplyDeleteOn a more serious note, interpretation of relationships based on what is perceived at a certain time and place is highly likely to be skewed by multiple factors; namely, your own perspective and experiences, mood at the current time, the environment, even the time of day. This does not mean that what you perceive to be true is necessarily false; it could apply to the next pair, indiscernable from the ones in question. And yet- chaos interspaces itself so throughly that nothing is ever certain (or is this leading into the nature vs. nurture debate?), such that even identical twins can be completely different in personalities.
In terms of the socially inept: i think I'm one of them. I never know what to say, so I categorically avoid people. Or compel them, through aversion-provoking statements, to edge away slowly and avoid eye contact.
Honestly though, someone has to take the loud-and-utterly-fail people aside and tell them (explaining in no uncertain terms) how absolutely fail they are.
I think non-verbal language can say a lot. Like crossing of arms generally means... " im not that open, im distancing myself, etc". One also has a personal space around them, the less you know the person, the bigger your personal space. So for people to be very close to each other, that can tell something too. For someone to intrude into our personal space, we would feel uncomfortable. I guess, this is one way the "lower EQ" people function.
ReplyDeleteTherefore, we have to just hope someone educates those who are not aware of common clues of non-verbal language of such norms. Otherwise, there isn't much we can do anyway...
Um. I forgot to say - the point of that first paragraph I posted was, always leave an exit strategy. Unlike a certain country occupying a certain region...
ReplyDeleteActually,I kind of disagree with Lazareth. I think that the second half, about people with low EQ, are very good examples of non-verbal communication.
ReplyDeleteTry observing a socially inept person and i'm sure that you'll find a certain awkwardness in the way he carries himself.
Basically, since the non verbal does make up the bulk of communication, i think there is a relation between the 2. After all, the actual words only make up about 5% of communication, and the majority is in the body language. I think that people with low EQ alot of the time are not "tuned in" to the body language of the people around them and out step the social boundaries that "normal people" adhere to.
Really interesting topic =) but i think that a clearer link could have been made!
farhan franha:
ReplyDeleteVery funny. Seriously though, observing how people interact with each other without being able to hear their conversation directly (being too far away physically) does put your interpretation to the test yes?
G:
Far from useless, I think your point's pretty legitimate - on how people judge by appearance instead of getting to the know the person a lot of the time. Maybe they couldn't see beyond your appearance (non-verbal!) - so what does that make them? Blind because they can't see beyond or socially-adept because they're actually aware if it? Though I'd say a mohawk on you would be pretty hard to miss.
Edwin:
Hey, yes I would agree. Like mentioned earlier, "what may be personal space to one may be casual distance to another. " I guess that yes, culture would have an effect on that as well.
lazareth-david:
Perhaps they just "don't get it" because they have no concept or perhaps, a flawed concept or measure of the non-verbal. They can't read into any situation or attitude of another unless it's told directly to their face.
And I do think it's related - because my bringing up of those individuals is due to a belief that a reason for their behavior is their inability to interpret the non-verbal. Though I would say that perhaps, I had not made it clear enough. Hope its cleared up now. :)
Seriously though, i can see how you view interpretation of the non-verbal (a.k.a people watching, a.k.a kaypoh-ing) as fun. Just dont forget that you will tend to put a certain perceptual bias to your observation.
ReplyDeleteE.g: You see a guy running and carrying a girl in his arms and the girl is screaming.
Issit a) a couple having a good time together
or b) a kidnap attempt?
As you said, highly suggestive.
(PS: Dont you get any funny ideas now..)
Thomas Hobbes, a philosopher born in the year of the Spanish Armada is quoted as saying that “Man is a creature trapped inside his own frame, unable to penetrate the purpose of others.” As I write this down, I am not implying that this is a definition that encompasses everyone, instead, I believe that it is a definition that applies to the majority and especially in these particular sort of arguments.
ReplyDeleteI am convicted that it is innate in human behavior to constantly compare themselves to others, growing in the knowledge of themselves through this ceaseless comparison. However as Hobbes accurately puts it, “Man..unable to penetrate the purpose of others.”
Other than obvious action-consequences ” man chasing after you with a knife in his hands” , situation where the purpose and intent of someone is obvious, what’s unfathomable is the thought which is yet corresponded in terms of actions .
Thus to assume we know someone based on his physical observation is demeaning to the fact that who he is now is a culmination of years of experience that shapes his very character and personality. To approximate someone on the basis of short term observation would be wholly inaccurate.
Even fools are thought wise when they keep silent, with their mouth shut, they seem intelligent.
Proverbs 17:28
Non verbal communication consists of many different aspects but on the aspect consisting of the quick categorization of people through pure visual observation within a short period of time is inaccurate and should not be used as a form of measure.
concerning gary's last paragraph right, actually i think the use of non-verbal communication to 'judge' or categorize people might not be such a bad thing after all.
ReplyDeleteLets say MaryJane is walking home from school (in an alley) and she sees this fishy looking guy ahead, with body piercings and tattoos all over. Most might then choose to make a u-turn and travel a longer way home (for saftey's sake). and so did MaryJane.
sure, to label him as a potential danger in a split second would be blatent stereotyping. but thats also called practical wisdom right?
I agree that first impressions might be rather inaccurate most of the times. but from the way a person dresses, from the way he walks, or from the way he looks, even, judging people based on these forms of non-verbal communications can be a help at times too.
but then, nowsadays more than ever, there are wolves and sheep clothings, and even sheep in wolf clothings. heh. so you never know.
this appears to be a highly subjective post but
ReplyDeleteisn't every post.
if there's a similarity i notice between a lot of posts on a topic of reading a person it is that we all jump to a certain degree of conclusion about a person. and from there on there is a slight degree of what we have learned which is
persistence of first impression.
i don't think anyone is to blame for that. we constantly remind us of that fact but yet we fall victim to it.
i agree with some the comments that there are so many aspects about a person that are so unpredictable and deceiving.
i guess it's up to our own discretion to judge what we think about a person and no matter accurate or inaccurate,
our moral compass is probably is the most accurate direction of right and wrong right now.